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A tour around (and around) Chicago

Kristen Hankla
The Post and Courier

While in Chicago, Bryce even tried out for the Cubs and made the team. As a bat boy.

I spent last weekend in Chicago, and I can honestly say, if you love beautiful architecture, nice people and breathtaking waterfront panoramas, you've got to check it out. At least that's what the brochure said. I didn't see any of those things because I was stuck in a revolving door the whole time.

I'm not joking. Not only are these things intimidating, but they're on virtually every building up there. In an attempt to find out why this is the case, I spoke with one of the local bellhops.

ME: "Why does the city have so many of these things?"

BELLHOP: "Because ..."

BELLHOP: "they ..."

BELLHOP: "keep ..."

BELLHOP: "the ... "

BELLHOP: "buildings ..."

BELLHOP: "warmer."

I assume he meant because all the tourists get stuck and then clog up the doorway, thus not allowing the heat to escape.

Anyway, moving on. There is much more to Chicago than just revolving doors, as illustrated by another brochure I read. For instance, it also boasts tons of ...

... deep-dish pizza places.

The place we ended up going (yes, I eventually escaped from the revolving door) was called Giordano's. It is famous for, among other things, not seating you for four to six weeks. But when you finally do get a table, you are rewarded for your patience with another wait of four to six weeks for your pizza. But it is SO worth it.

... places to shop.

One of my favorite stores was Filene's Basement. Not because of its great selection of clothing or its low prices, but because it was located on the fourth floor. Two floors up from The Fashion Attic.

... tall buildings.

Everybody's heard of the Sears Tower, but the real structure worth checking out in Chicago is the Hancock Building. I say this for two reasons:

1. The bar, which is on the 96th floor, has two walls partially covered with mirrors that not only double the gorgeous view but make the already big space look even bigger.

2. People continuously walk into them.

... bizarre outdoor sculptures.

At Millennium Park alone, there are two of the weirdest things you'll ever see outside a Halloween party at Jerry Springer's house: Two brick walls with faces on them that blink and squirt water on terrified children below; and a gigantic reflective bean that allows perverts to see down literally hundreds of women's shirts from one convenient location.

... bars that are cool.

Of course by "that are cool" I mean "where you can meet America's Next Top Ax Murderer."

Maybe it was just bad luck, but one night after a wedding reception, a group of us strolled on down to the Billy Goat tavern on Michigan Avenue and came across a creepy guy who, in between enjoying long squirts of ketchup from the squeeze bottle next to the napkin dispenser, asked us (based on how we were dressed) how the market closed today. After which he proceeded to eat a spoonful of chopped onions and laugh hysterically. Naturally, we left immediately.

... great sports venues.

You could spend literally weeks touring all the historical fields and stadiums in and around the city of Chicago. Or, you could reveal to the world what a giant sports-fan imposter you are by visiting Wrigley Field and asking what time kickoff is.

In conclusion, Chicago is a wonderful city filled with tall, shiny people and friendly buildings. But don't take my word for it, I'm kinda dizzy.

Bryce Donovan didn't harm any billy goats writing this column. Just the legitimacy of the title, "humor columnist." Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.