Eat your heart out, Columbia

Our state capital may have a Head Ball Coach, better urban decay and the scenic State Fairgrounds.

But we have the Stingrays, the RiverDogs and the Battery.

And The Battery.

Columbia has the Irmo Okra Strut.

A zoo, too.

Woodrow Wilson once lived there.

But with the recent demise of the ECHL's Columbia Inferno, Columbia currently does not have a single professional sports team.

We have three, all of them in action tonight.

Play ball! The baseball chasing Charleston RiverDogs of the Class A South Atlantic League play host to the Greenville Drive.

Bang on Plexiglass! While screaming near-obscenities in public, no less. The South Carolina Stingrays, down two games, face the surging Cincinnati Cyclones in crucial Game 3 of the ECHL's American Conference finals at the North Charleston Coliseum.

Are you ready for some futbol! The Battery lights up the soccer pitch at Blackbaud Stadium for a match against the mighty Montreal Impact.

This creates a precious opportunity people in many cities our size (for instance, Baja Blythewood) can only dream about.

Better yet, why not try taking in parts of all three events?

All you need is a functional car radio and a decent appetite.

Once around the horn:

The Stingrays

Food: Popcorn appetizer.

Fun: TV commercials indicate patrons at the North Charleston Coliseum get a big kick out of passing North Charleston Mayor Keith Summey up through the stands at some wild and crazy point during each scheduled event.

Don't blame me if you: Forget to bring a jacket and get chilly enough to have to buy a Stingrays sweatshirt with Friday night's date money.

At stake: Possible all-expense paid trips to Las Vegas for the ECHL Kelly Cup Finals.

The Battery

Food: See if you can wangle your way into the Three Lion's Pub for good eats, a swell beverage selection and the most

impressive collection of soccer jerseys this side of the pond.

Fun: Join The Regiment, the Battery's official "legion of faithful supporters."

Don't blame me if you: Miss the only goal.

At stake: Braggin' rights from here to Quebec.

The RiverDogs

Food: Can't go wrong with the fried turkey legs.

Fun: It's Salute to Yankees' Facial Hair Policy Night, a little dig at the parent club and its rule that prohibits guys like Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez from growing beards and/or mustaches. Maybe George Steinbrenner will show up dressed as Santa Claus.

Don't blame me if you: Wind up sitting behind co-owner Bill Murray and the adoring crowd he tends to gather, thus blocking your vision of between-innings sumo wrestling.

At stake: Columbia can have its little Georgia-South Carolina college football thing in September. RiverDogs vs. Drive is much more serious, Yankees prospects clashing with Red Sox prospects while training to take part in the greatest rivalry in American pro sports.

Next best thing

Which begs for a Stingrays- Cyclones rivalry, even if we have to start one by pointing out that all Cincinnati players are a bunch of no-skill goons banished to skate in a baseball town and likely to fare worse on the road than fellow Ohioan Dennis Kucinich.

But don't worry if you can't be in three professional sports venues at once. You never know when Josh "Voice of The RiverDogs" Maurer will interview an Elvis impersonator and Stingrays radio analyst Andrew Miller regularly makes astute observations.

Too bad the reception isn't very good in Columbia.

Reach Gene Sapakoff at gsapakoff@postandcourier.com.