Divorcing friends must stand ground as parents

A person who is very dear to me is getting a divorce after 23 years of marriage.

It's a sad story. The last month I've been on the telephone with her and her soon-to-be ex-husband for hours. This past weekend, I jumped on an airplane to attend the scheduled court-directed mediation session. The purpose of the mediation session was to come to agreement on a split of their assets and liabilities, since they hadn't come up with a signed separation agreement. If mediation failed, the next step was a contested divorce before a judge.

I desperately wanted these two people I love to put aside their anger and work out their differences. I wanted them to realize when they spoke to each other that they weren't hearing what the other person was saying, and this was causing most of their disagreements.

I wanted them to find the humor in everyday situations. But no matter what I said, the response was the same.

"I can't live with him/her."

When I finally accepted that this marriage wasn't going to be saved by me, I helped them to split up their assets and liabilities so at least they would have an amicable divorce. On Monday morning, the documents were notarized and the mediation session was over. As I packed my bags, I cried. Their divorce was only a stamp and a signature away.

The pain that this couple is going through is obvious. They have two beautiful grown children. Their son is in his second year of college. Their daughter has just turned 18 and is still living with them.

My husband Mike and I have compromised a lot for the sake of our children. It has helped to make our marriage stronger because we maintain a unified position. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it is to raise children when the parents are divorced.

When these parents split, it didn't take long for their teenage daughter to take advantage of the situation. I was astonished (and very uncomfortable) that this young girl was allowed to have her boyfriend sleep overnight in her room. When I finally got up the nerve to stick my nose where it didn't belong, I asked why.

The response was, "Even though I know it's wrong and it eats at me, I can't tell her not to, because she'll leave." Apparently, her father also allowed the boyfriend to spend the night. I told her that I thought she should stand her ground. She should also talk to her ex-husband to get his support.

Even if her daughter ended up leaving, when she matured she would respect her mother's decision and her resolve to stand her moral ground. Her actions also could potentially affect the way her daughter would raise her own children when the time came. If she continued to let her daughter's boyfriend spend the night, I believed she always would regret it.

To drive the point home, I told her that from the perspective of the mother of a teenage son, I would consider her daughter a "skanky" girlfriend and would not approve of my son dating her. As harsh as I was, she agreed that this was not the reputation she wanted for her daughter and promised me she would take the chance and speak to her daughter. After arriving home in Charleston that night, I received a text message. "Talked to my daughter about the boyfriend. As predicted, she left." I reminded her that she needed to stick to her guns and circle back with her ex-husband.

The next day, I called her. She was ecstatic. She said her daughter came home that day, without the boyfriend, and asked her mom if she wanted to go have a pedicure. My friend also said she talked to her ex, and he said he would support her decision and not allow the boyfriend to spend the night either. I think they were both relieved.

I'm pretty sure they will continue to face challenges in raising their kids separately; however, I'm glad, for the sake of their little girl, that they took the stand they did.

Lisa Brown is a Mount Pleasant working mother of five children ages 6-19. E-mail her at lbrown@postandcourier.com.