It Beats Working	Bill on Movies

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Let the games begin ...And then end quickly.

AP

President Bush seems to agree with Bryce: Give us more women’s beach volleyball! (NOTE: Bryce does NOT, however, endorse whatever it is the president is doing in this picture. )

Every four years the world's top athletes come together in the hopes of achieving one magical goal: pre-empting our primetime television.

Of course I am only joking. The Olympics are great. In fact, I absolutely love watching sports that, otherwise, I would never get to see. You know, things like water polo. Sure, I don't fully understand how the horses hold their breath for so long, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the subtle nuances of the game.

But for every water polo during the Olympic Games, there is floor exercise or ribbon dancing or those bars that aren't even, whatever they call that. If you asked me, the folks with the International Olympic Committee could use a little help when it comes to jazzing up this big event. I mean, if I were running the show, I'd ...

COME UP WITH SOME NEW EVENTS.

The following is a list of actual Olympic sports that people can win medals for: badminton, handball, canoeing, table tennis, water polo, Marco Polo and parallel parking. OK, so I might have made the last two up, but still, that's a lot of lame events. Which is why we should combine some of the existing ones (like archery and synchronized swimming) in addition to creating new ones that fat, lazy Americans excel at, such as:

--"Guitar Hero"

--Scrapbooking

--Hot-dog eating

--Gin rummy

--Text messaging

SHOW MORE WOMEN'S BEACH VOLLEYBALL.

Let's make one thing clear: I am not one of those chauvinist pigs who think the Olympics should only consist of women running around wearing tiny little bikinis. I mean, they could do it in the background of some of the other events, for all I care.

CHANGE WHAT THE MEDALS ARE MADE OF.

I'm just going to say what everybody else is already thinking: Seriously? Gold? That's the best we could come up with? How about platinum or titanium or that really cool bubble wrap? That keeps people entertained for hours. Or even if you wanted to stick with gold, throw a little chocolate in there for fun. I mean, can you imagine the look on the athlete's face when they do that cliche bite into the medal and part of it ends up in their mouth?

GET A NEW THEME SONG.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of that same old Olympics music. That's why they should try replacing, "Dum-dum-da-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-da-dum-dum-dum-dum-da-da-dum-dum-dum" with something a little catchier. You know, like, "Bum-bum-ba-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-ba-bum-bum-bum-bum-ba-ba-bum-bum-bum."

Try calling Lil' Jon. (What?)

GIVE EXISTING EVENTS A TWIST.

Not all events are boring. By simply adding a wrinkle here or there to some of the current ones, we can make things more exciting. Whether it's having fencers fight to the death or water polo players talk on their cell phones during the game ("Stop splashing me!"), it wouldn't take much to shake things up. Speaking of water sports, we should totally ...

ENTER MICHAEL PHELPS IN EVERY EVENT.

Swimming, basketball, triple jump, you name it, Phelps is our guy. Except for women's beach volleyball. Maybe.

BLINDFOLD THE JUDGES.

Now I'm not going to sit here and say that the judges at the Olympic Games are corrupt, so, um, does anybody know a synonym for corrupt? Anyway ... instead of letting the judges watch the athletes, make them all wear blindfolds and give scores based on audience reaction.

And finally ...

HAVE IT ONCE EVERY 40 YEARS.

I really want my "30 Rock" back.

Bryce Donovan is a former Olympian (nose-picking). Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.