'Raw' politics reconfirm 'rasslinization' of nation

Underhanded tactics ... blatant opportunism ... craven pandering ... shifting alliances ... stunning treachery ... unseemly spectacles ...

Yes, rasslin' and politics have a lot in common. And six nights ago, the ongoing rasslinization of U.S. politics — and U.S. culture — proceeded as the Final Three big-time 2008 presidential candidates made campaign pitches on pro wrestling's prime-time USA network showcase, "Monday Night Raw."

No, the trio — mere World Wrestling Entertainment prelim acts before the King of the Ring tournament final — didn't make it to Greenville's Bi-Lo Center, last week's 'Raw' site. But through videotaped messages, enhanced by borrowed signature lines of grappling greats, they tried to charm the rasslin' rabble.

First, though, arena spectators and TV viewers saw an unsettling "match" pitting video-game-type renderings of Barack Obama, in dark sportcoat with no tie, and Hillary Clinton, in red pantsuit. The Obama character opened strongly with suplexes and neckbreakers before the Clinton character rallied with elbow drops off the top rope and a jolting choke slam.

The computer-generated Obama-Clinton bout ended in a stalemate. When John McCain joined the real-person fray, however, a clear winner emerged. Judge revealing excerpts for yourself.

The tape of Clinton, standing and smirking in apparent anticipation of Tuesday's Pennsylvania-primary outcome, was shown first: "Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton, but in honor of the WWE, you can call me Hill Rod. This election is starting to feel a lot like King of the Ring. The only difference — the last man standing may just be a woman."

Next came Obama, standing, suppressing giggles and likely still sore about that "elitist" tag, from among others

Wellesley grad Clinton (seriously) — a charge based on his gaffe that "bitter" voters "cling to guns and religion." At least his voice sounds like The Rock's: "So to the special interests who've been setting the agenda in Washington for too long, and to all the forces of division and distraction that have stopped us from making progress for the American people, I've got one question — do you smell what Barack is cooking?"

Then McCain, seated, applied his common touch: "How are ya, South Carolina? Finally the Mac has come back to Greenville. Looks like Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama wanna settle their differences in the ring. Well, that's fine with me. But lemme tell ya, if you wanna be the man, ya have to beat the man. Come November, it'll be game over. And whachya gonna do when John McCain and all his McCain-iacs run wild on ya? Ya wanna pull out of Iraq? Well, I say no surrender. America can win the war against terror. I'm gonna introduce Osama bin Laden to the Undertaker."

And: "You see my friends, I believe that America is the greatest nation in the world, and Americans don't watch wrestling because we're bitter. We watch WWE because wrestling is about celebrating our freedom. It's about fighting to be the very best. ... You might need a ticket to the Fatal Four [tonight's pay-per-view main event] next weekend, but you don't need a ticket to the cage match in November. All you have to do is get out there and vote. You decide the champion, you make the difference. And that's the bottom line — because John McCain said so."

McCain's folksy command of the rasslin' vernacular, though admirable, doesn't guarantee him commander-in-chief status. At his advanced age (he turns 72 on Aug. 29), he faces a critical call in choosing a tag-team partner — make that running mate.

Later on "Monday Night Raw," Sir William Regal captured the King of the Ring crown via devious matchmaking machinations, in his role as "Raw" general manager, that cleared his path to the throne. That riled many "Raw" regulars. So does his lordship's persisting ridicule of Americans as "colonists" incapable of effective self-rule.

Yet don't be bitter about the diabolical rise and haughty royalism of now-King William, or about the decline of U.S. politicians' standards on where they should — and shouldn't — hunt for votes.

Instead, be entertained and enlightened by rasslin', a rollicking metaphor for the human condition. Even you who lack the expertise to identify an atomic drop, camel clutch, piledriver, Rock bottom, figure-four leglock or brain claw can learn lasting lessons from this raucous carnival.

After all, what is life itself but a no-holds-barred, no-time-limit death match that we're all born to eventually lose?

But until that final bell rings, the true Rock bottom line on politics — and everything else — remains this maxim from the original "Nature Boy," Buddy Rogers:

"They don't ask you how you won. They ask you if you won."

Frank Wooten is associate editor of The Post and Courier. His e-mail is wooten@postandcourier.com.